Courageous Soul

Saturday, April 30, 2005

Everything is truly FABULOUS!

Waitressing is going really good, im making great money that i need so bad. it's all going to bills though :( Can't wait till i get caught up on my bills and i can get some summer clothes. Nothing from last year will do anymore. Do you ever look at last seasons clothes and wonder WTF was i thinking? I'm also getting more comfortable with myself and am not gonna be so shy with different styles of clothing that i like.

Its been awhile since i let myself fall into something. Sure i have dated, but i kept a great deal of distance from the other guys because i knew they werent worth letting in. Steve on the other hand, tho i am keeping a bit of distance for awhile, im letting him in slowly. It's really sad we are totally that fresh new couple that is soo touchy and cuddly and kissy, it's rather sick really. But i love it lolHe told his mom about me yesterday. Basically it was his mom saying "I have this great girl to introduce you to!" him saying, "Mom i think it's a little to late for that" Then ofcourse you know on came 20 questions. He told me that ofcourse he didnt mind talking about me and that she is SO excited to meet me. From how he talks his parents seem really really cool, and im just as excited. Last night i went over and he totally cooked this absolutly yummy spagetti dinner for me! I was very impressed. And then we cuddled the night away watchin movies.

So over all school is great got a 97% on my massage practical, and work is going great, and well finally the love life is going extremely great!!

Wednesday, April 20, 2005


Its been so long since ive been here, on this happy cloud in the sky. Since saturday things have been so good i feel like it cant be real. Am i dreaming or am i awake?

I woke yesterday morning having the urge to go for a run, so i did. I got back did the rest of my workout. I read an ad in the paper that a near by resturant is hiring, with my experience i figured why not. This place is a huge money maker in the summer time. It will be perfect. The guy hires me on the spot. I then head to school and have a great conversation with a friend about life and the future and how thigns are. We are both doing really well lately. I then won 40 bucks on some scratch of lottery tickets i purchased earlier. Then in class had a talk with my teacher about some ideas and she was more than happy to help out. I couldnt have asked for a better day. Then Desiree calls with news of Steve. She had called him to get his view on how our date was. He said he's just as excited about getting to know me and has always had a soft spot for read heads. He plans on giving me a call tomrrow i guess. I couldnt be more excited about it all. Though im still trying not to incase it all falls apart. But this time around i cant help but give it my all with open arms, so i cant wonder if i did all i could and if i was myself 100%.

Finally things feel right, for so long everything felt off and weird, but not now. Now i feel refreshed and excited about the days, weeks, months to come.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Maybe there's a chance?

So lets start from saturday where it all began. Where i realized i am possibly worth dating.

My friend Desiree who's in the massage program with me tells me she's havin a BBQ and to come over and join her and friends. Little did i know she had in her mind a guy she wanted to introduce me too. So i happily accept the inviation and go over. Her friend Steve shows up, he's so handsome and respectful, and funny! Me and him sat on the porch with beers in hand talking and getting to know eachother, realizing we know alot of the same people and that he lives 1/2 from me. We were suprised we had never met. At the end of the night he askes for my phone number and a hug. At this point im excited to have met someone new, but still a little leary because everytime i meet someone new they end up being another piece of scum. Yesterday he calls me to do something after i got off work. He picked me up and we got ice cream and went and found a nice spot on the beach and sat and enjoyed our icecream and got to know eachother better. We watched the sunset and i was so mad i didnt have my camera it was amazing. We then drove around for a awhile and then he started telling me about his house that HE BUILT all on his own with his father, they didnt have anyoone come in to do electrical or piping, they did it all. So i ofcourse want to see this place.

I was so impressed this 3 bedroom, 2 1/2 bath, 2 story house with a huge deck in front and one in back with a massive jaccuzzi, it was amazingggg. However i knew i liked him much before i knew of all this and what he was capable of. He gave me a tour and then we decided to watch a movie. Through out the night i couldnt help but to try and find things wrong with him, but i couldnt no matter how i tried. Its a habit i find myself doing, i hate it.
We cuddled and it was really nice. He finally reached in for a kiss, and afterwards he said sweelty "ive been wanting to do that all night", i totally blushed and smiled.

He took me home, and gave me a kiss goodbye, and said he will call me this week to go out again. I'm so excited for the possibilities.

Desiree called me today wanting all the details, she told me more about him and all thigns i was happy to hear. She's known him for a really long time and can hoenstly say he's not like the scum around here and that he is truly as amazing as i have found him to be.

So we will see, if this will end up being something really good or another chapter in the soap opera of my love life. I guess its true when you least expect something and when you arent even looking good things come to you. I'm not taking this fast, im gonna take it slow, see what happens and Enjoy my summer.

I did walk up to the beach the other day and layed out there for a bit in the sun.

i love that bench i often go there to read and relax.


Friday, April 08, 2005

Wandering lost

I dont understand whats going on lately, seriously i cant get things feeling normal. I keep trying different things each day trying to feel a sence of normal or something, anything.

Lately ive been thinking about my spiritual being.. we've been talking about it a little in class. Later we are going to get more into it. Ever since then is when it all started. Sometimes i feel like crying till theres no more tears, sometimes i cant stop smiling. Maybe its just my body doing its normal hormone dance, i dont know but its driving me nuts. I crave someone to be close to so bad, someone who i can let see the many sides of me. For awhile i was okay with not having that but not anymore. I see everyone around me with someone close. Whats wrong with me am i incapable of making friends, or even worth dating? Maybe im just having a low week but regardless these feelings have remained in me for awhile. I thought spring would bring happier days, but i have yet to see some....

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Spring Fever

Today was sooo beautiful, well the past few days have been great. I cleaned my car insdie and out, a lil spring cleaning is just what it needed.

Now that spring is coming the lonelyness gets worse because i crave having some closer friends to enjoy the great weather with. But even if i did have some i still dont have the time. I also wouldnt mind someone even closer then a friend around, i miss that lately..alot. I do plan on moving though in about 7 months so i dont want to start something around here when i dont plan on staying. There is this one friend, we enjoy eachothers company alot, i'd love it to go further but he plans on moving too so its a no win situation for me. However who knows there's def a spark between him and i, he's taking me to a movie this weekend. Maybe whatever it is that we are is just what i need right now. For once i should be happy with what i have instead of craving more, nothing is ever enough sometimes. In some cases thats not bad but for once i should just be happy with whatever it is i have.

Tomorrow is my 3rd client, im excited becuase monday i massaged my teacher, everyone has to, to learn and improve. I'm excited to practice what i have learned, and let my confidence grow. She was really pelased with how im doing. My massage is good but my tests arent that great. She mentioned how my energy level is off the walls, she can feel it when i walk in on test days. So the next test she's going to try some relaxtion techniques to help me so i can improve them. Luckly i know my stuff, she knows that too and our tests arent that much of our grade. Our massage skills are mainly graded.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

A nice comfy spot

Maybe i feel a little more comfortable then i thought writing here. Might be becuase its something new, or because i can be open and no one i wouldnt want to read it will find it. My own little hidden comfy spot. A paper journal never felt right, i didn't feel i could share my deepest thoughts. I always thought my mom looked around in my room when i wasnt around, though i know she didn't because i do, like any person have things hidden around in my room that if she did find she would have said something. She's not one of those parents that deep down knows everything but dosent say anything about it, she sure as hell says what she thinks and knows.

Ive discovered the wonders of King of Queens from my friend Chris. He and i watched it the other night and he let me borrow his season 3 dvd's to watch some more of it. Its hilarious, its not close to Sienfeld, but no one will ever be close to them.

Tomorrow i have class 830-430, its gonna be a long day but im excited for each class. Better get some rest!

Friday, April 01, 2005

A little off

Not sure yet how comfortable i am with a public blog, it will take some getting used too. I do like being able to work with some html so i can get a better grasp on it.

Things have been pretty good. We had a full moon though last week, it made everything feel really off for me, maybe the moon had nothing to do with it,but everything felt weird. For a few days it felt more back to normal but again today stuff was off. I wish i could pin point whats goin on with me and the feeling around me. In class we were observing our teacher doing some energy work on one of our classmates, she got to the point where a few tears came to her eyes. Its a really strong powerful thing. I truly hope i too can connect in ways she does. I feel inside that its a possibility, i truly hope its in me. I really feel this feild is for me, i cant wait to learn more and more.